Freedom from Food (how I went from punish - nourish)
When you look at me, you will probably see a woman who is trim, toned, active and committed to taking care of herself physically. I eat well and workout most days and I have done for many years. I choose this way of life, because I believe looking after our health and body, is imperative to living a full, active, happy life (it is for me anyway).
Sadly it wasn't always this way and WOWWWWWWW did I learn the hard way. Today as I write this blog I am now aware that my lifestyle is about nourishing my body and NOT about punishing it.
For many years I worked out because I "hated" my body and wanted to improve it...
For many years I ate clean food because I "hated" my body and wanted to improve it...
For many years I weighed my food because I "hated" my body and wanted to improve it...
For many years I refused to try some of my children's ice-cream because I "hated" my body and wanted to improve it.
For many years I would struggle to eat out because .... you get the picture!
The list goes on and on. And here's the crunch, for many years... I didn't even realise this was a problem.
It all started when I wanted to lose weight and tone up for an upcoming holiday. I joined a gym and pretty quickly started to see results. I transformed my body within 6 months and I loved the results.
Cut to a few years down the line, I was a complete slave to this way of life.
I was training 2x a day, weighing every morsel of food that went in my mouth, obsessing over my weight and muscle mass! I was stuck on a hamster wheel that I couldn't get off.
Somehow, my "healthy hobby" had turned into a dark disorder.
If I couldn't train for a day, I would feel edgy, anxious and restless.
If I was forced to eat out I would panic and check the menus ahead of time and if they didn't have a clean piece salmon or chicken on the menu, I would calculate when I could get an extra session in at the gym, so I could work off the damage later.
My kids (I have 2 daughters) watched me weigh every meal, they watched me run to the gym straight after bedtime, they watched me, at a Sunday lunch( when we went out as a family) sit there with an espresso and refuse to eat.
They saw things I will never forgive myself for, but at the time I was so embedded in the process I didn't know it was harmful to them and most of all, myself.
I could go on and on about the habits that set in, but to bottom line it for you, my main priority was how much I weighed and how lean I looked and felt. It was an incredibly miserable existence! And one I masked as a "healthy lifestyle"
There was no defining moment of how I pulled myself out of it. But the one that sticks in my mind was when we were invited round to a friends house for dinner. This particular friend is an incredible cook and naturally, she made a beautiful healthy feast. I sat there with my tupperware (I brought my food from home, as it was weighed and measured and I could log it properly) of cold soggy salmon and veg. I ate this every single day!!!!
I looked across the table at all my friends enjoying the wonderful colours and tastes of the food and wine and I felt isolated. It was the first time I questioned "why are you doing this and for what???"
For the first time in a long time, I wanted to be a part of the table again.
I didn't know how to eat normally anymore. For years I only knew weights of chicken, macros, timings of carbs so my body could fuel them effectively and amounts of protein my body needed to stay lean.
I used to watch my husband enjoying treats with our girls and wonder "how does he do that with such freedom" I didn't know that was possible. The guilt that food provided for me was so epic, that watching him enjoy a moment over food with the kids was totally foreign. BUT I finally knew, I wanted to be a part of that. I wanted to be free from the guilt that food and exercise offered.
It was a slow recovery to say the least and with a lot of self reflection and strength I now live a very different life.
I still train hard and I still eat well BUT not at the cost of my happiness AND for very very different reasons. I used exercise and eating clean as a way to punish myself...
Today, its to nourish myself.
I now use my lifestyle, as a form of self love instead of self hatred and when I have thoughts of going to the gym to burn off what I've eaten (punishment) I won't allow myself to go (nourishment)
My rule is -
"Eat well and exercise because you love your body NOT because you hate it"
I now get to help and coach women, find their balance with food and body image.
I am so passionate about helping women discover their body/self confidence within my coaching practice.
sadly I see how common this is nowadays and I know that by owning what happened to me, I can help others discover their own way out.
From punishment - nourishment
If you would like any information about the coaching and workshops I run about body confidence pls don't hesitate to contact me -